Thursday, October 7, 2010


Tea, you see, is drunk by ass-kickers and empire builders. Coffee is for sitting around gossiping. Seriously, you want a manly drink? The Chinese invented civilization. Drinking tea. The Russians built an empire from the Elbe to the Pacific - fuelled entirely on tea. How did the first great corporate empire fall? The second great corporate empire found a way to beat them - in the tea trade. Tea builds greatness.

You know what Genghis Khan's favorite pick-me-up was? The blood of his enemies, mixed with fermented mare's milk. You know what was second? MOTHERFUCKING TEA. Tamurlane would have thrown a scalding hot coffee right back in your goddamn face and demanded tea. He ruled half of Asia and built pyramids of skulls. Tea is for conquest. Coffee is for secretaries. The unconquerable Afghans, the toughest people on Earth? They didn't get that way on coffee. They prefer their tea.

The Mughals conquered India and ruled it for centuries on a 50/50 mix of tea and greed. The English put *them* under the jackboot. How? UPPING THE FUCKING TEA QUOTIENT. Tea drinking cultures create things like railroads. Coffee-drinking cultures create things like ass-hugging trousers. Tea fuelled the creators of modern economics. Coffee-drinkers and their coffee-houses gave us deconstructionism and surrender. Look, you want to have something typed? Hire a coffee drinker. But if you need to get something done, and don't care if a few faces get busted up along the way, then you better hire some tea drinkers. And then sit back, and drink a cup of tea.

Voltaire drank 50 cups of coffee a day. He got his ass exiled to motherfucking Switzerland. Tea-drinking George Washington fought the mighty British Empire with a piddling band of townies. Cecil Rhodes? Bossed half of Africa with an iron fist? Tea. In this world, my friends, coffee drinkers pay tax and tribute to their tea-drinking masters. That is just how it is. When the revolution comes, you will drink tea. And you will praise its qualities.