He starts off with this thumbsucker to end all thumbsuckers:
Then goes on to suck a little harder...
Just when you think he can't possibly suck any harder, he decides to switch tactics, and blow as loud and wet as he can:
Indeed! "Let me tell you about my rock-ribbed principles, then watch me throw them to the winds as soon as Manchester United and Arsenal are the ones under the slightest threat!"
Craven displays of submission before power (or even fashion) are not rare in sports journalism. I understand this. But it's rare to see someone whine so hard on both sides of an issue as Hayward has done here. Remarkable.